Trudging along and feeling stressed

bjl

Ever since my husband had pneumonia and was hospitalized for three days last March I have noticed changes in his behavior and cognition. He is getting more confused and sleeping more. He is 83 years old and is probably in later stage 5. He can still dress himself but needs help showering and other hygiene. I've been feeling stressed and depressed with all that needs to be done around the house in addition to the daily things like cooking and laundry. Some days I just can't think of anything to cook. We always end up with something but it would be so nice if I had a break once in awhile from figuring out what to cook. His confusion leads him to ask question after question over and over again...the same questions. I try to stay patient but sometimes I go into another room and silently scream. We have been married for 56 years and I love him dearly. He no longer knows anyone but me, his sister, and our daughter who lives across the country. We can't have any kind of real conversation and he doesn't understand the plots of movies I try to watch on television. It's hard to find something for him to do. I have been thinking about trying the Adult Daycare here in town. I get 26 hours of respite care from the Area Agency on Aging and that helps but I always have to come home to the same situation. Lately, his legs are getting weaker and he says they are stiff. His doctors don't seem concerned and don't address my concerns which is frustrating. It would be great if I could get away for a few days but that is not possible. I have looked at Memory Care Facilities and have one picked out for when the time comes. I'm not sure when that time will be. Thanks for listening.

Stela

bjl

Be careful with memory care places. My friend was warned by a nurse that they ignore people in memory care. Is it possible to have someone over your house to work with him?

Petebrown

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bjl

Thank you for your reply, Stela. What you wrote is worrisome. I guess I need to talk to some people who have experience with placing their loved ones. Right now we’re OK at home..

MoniqueFrahm

bjl There are some great memory care places as well - not all are bad! I recommend doing your research, look at the reviews, and also ask for a tour so you can see it for yourself. A lot of people get to a point where they need to place their loved one in memory care. That point is different for everyone. Do what is best for yourself and your loved one, you know them best. This is a tough transition/decision, so don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need support!

Bob

MoniqueFrahm All home caregivers need to realize that at some point, and that point will vary for everyone, their loved one will likely need to be moved to a memory care facility. And, we also need to accept the fact that there is no PERFECT facility. Some are better than others, so it is our responsibility to tour those in our area IN ADVANCE, where possible, so that we are not in a panic when the time comes.

bjl

Thank you, Monique, he has fallen two or three times in the last two days. I have moved our bedroom downstairs because he is no longer safe climbing the stairs. I am also having him checked for a UTI because he has wet himself several times since last week. How do I know if I should place him in memory care? My heart tells me to keep him home. My kids are starting to worry about me. My heart and my head sometimes have arguments. He still knows me and tells me he loves me every day. He says he wants to stay with me and be where I am.

MoniqueFrahm

bjl Only you will know when/if that time comes. My advice to you would be to consider what is not only best for him, but best for you. Take his safety and your safety into account. That not only means physical safely, but mental and emotional safety as well. It's such a hard situation, I'm very sorry you're going through this.

bjl

Thank you Monique. The reminder about mental and emotional safety is very helpful. Right now I am dealing with a very sore shoulder right now due to a partial tear in my right rotator cuff and am facing surgery next month on my right hand and elbow. All of these problems have been brought about by caring for him.

Bob, I have toured the memory care facilities available here and have on picked out for when the time comes. Thank you for the reminder.

MoniqueFrahm

bjl Good luck with your surgery! I hope you have some extra help during your recovery!

jlbaumgartner1

bjl-
You explain everything very well and I appreciate how you shared the genuine feelings of what you are experiencing. The sadness of how things are not what they were feels so heavy at times. You also pointed out different things you are trying to do for yourself. I hope your surgery goes well and you are able to rest. You are doing a good job.

bjl

Thank you, jlbaumgartner1. I appreciate your reply. Yes, the sadness of how things are not what they were does feel heavy at times. Sadness is part of this journey we're on...sadness and ambiguous grief. Wishing you peace.

Sunshine

Not the same but similar. My 82 yr. old Mother suffered from inoperable brain tumors. I brought her to my house to stay when I realized she could not be alone. I now have a spouse with Alz. maybe transitioning to Stage 6. Both are/were difficult. I was able to put Mom in an Assisted Living for a few days of respite care while I took time to go away with a friend. We owned a business and I would not leave my husband alone trying to care for Mom. Wrong home! Doctors recommendation took Mom to a better home. She couldn't swallow and need prepared food. My husband and I had a previously planned two week vacation. It was hard to leave her but I knew my husband needed this. She said one day that she wanted to come back home to me. I had it planned out. Was going to rent a Hoyer Lift. Learn how to make pureed food. But then I thought wait a minute, we will have no quality time, I will be washing and cooking most of the day. So without guilt, I chose to leave her in the home where she received good care. My time with her would be quality time, visiting, talking if she was able. She passed less than a month after. Faster than expected. I do not have money for long term care now for my husband. I am looking for any community assistance I can get, not much where I live. Taking care of an adult is a lot harder than caring for a baby and we were a lot younger and didn't have as many health problems as we do now.