Asking to go 'home'; asking to to see Mom (Dad, Grandma)

Bob

Often my wife talks about going home, or asking if we can go home. She is doing this while being in the house that we had built 45 years ago. I assume she is remembering the family home where she was raised as a child.

Also, she will frequently ask that we go see her Mom (who died [of Alzheimer's] 9 years ago), or her Dad (who died 37 years ago) or the grandmother that she spent lots of time with growing up (who died 35 years ago).

I try to divert her attention to something else regarding going 'home.' Telling her that we are home, and that this is where we've lived for 45 years, does stop her asking but only briefly.

I try to divert her attention to something else regarding seeing her parents/grandmother, because telling her that they have died agitates her and she denies it, but she will frequently re-state the request off and on for 20-30 minutes even with my best efforts to divert her attention.

Any thoughts/suggestions?

Kari

I saw in a video - probably with Teepa Snow, that a good reply to these questions are "Tell me about your house?" "What do you like about your house?" "You decorated the house so nicely." "You kept a very neat and tidy house."

"Tell me about your mom?" "Your mom/dad were very special people." "I remember how your mom/dad ....."

dvellio

Bob, I find it interesting frequently you share things that are almost exactly like things that I'm experiencing. Frequently after supper my wife will ask if we can go home. This has been our house since we got married 18 years ago. She designed the addition when we remodeled and completely redid our kitchen and laundry room, new bathroom ,and a large sunroom. She has no memory of that but occasionally she will look really surprised that she's looking around and see “This is my house.”.
Probably one of the most difficult experiences happened a couple of months ago when she decided after supper that her three sons and her ex-husband we're hiding from her somewhere in the house. She got really upset with me when I couldn't take her and show her where they were hiding. She was sure she had seen them come in and they were just hiding from her. I decided fairly quickly that we weren't going to a good resolution to that argument so I wheeled her into the computer room in front of her computer and let her read her book while I went and finished dishes. When I came back into the room 20 minutes later it was like nothing had ever happened. And it never came up again.
Another scenario that comes up pretty regular is when supper is finished she wants to go upstairs. Her children tell me the last time they lived in a house with an upstairs was more than 50 years ago. Our house is all one story so it's kind of difficult to take her upstairs.
I realize all this comes from wherever she happens to be in her journey backward so I can't take it personal and sometimes the only solution is to simply walk away from it for a few minutes and let her reset. Usually when I come back everything's OK. I've learned for sure that I can't remake the memory she's living in at the moment.

dshikoski

I can related to these situations. Good advise.

Bob

I read somewhere that when someone with dementia expresses a desire 'to go home' some 'experts' think they are really indicating that they feel insecure, and are looking for some place safe, which they refer to as 'going home.' So, the thing to do, it to calmly assure the individual that they are safe where they are, that they are being cared for, and, that they are loved.

MoniqueFrahm

Bob Awesome advice, Bob