Should we include mom in Lunch/Outings?

Kari

My mom lives at home with my dad and she still who he is. But, she doesn't remember that my sisters and I are her daughters, only that we are friendly and familiar faces. I'd like to include my mom when I get together with my sisters for lunch or shopping, etc. However, I don't know if she is getting any enjoyment out of our time together or if the anxiety she feels about the new and different situation is too much for her. My sisters and I don't always agree on when to include our mom or when it's too much of a burden (for mom and us) for her to be away from the comfort of her house and my dad. She often asks where my dad is and when we are leaving. Any thoughts or suggestions?

dvellio

You don't say how old your mom is or if she's hard of hearing. I know my wife would not have found that to be a comfortable situation even when she was able to get into the car and go places. Most restaurants tend to be noisy and if she's hard of hearing it would be very difficult for her to enjoy that experience. Hearing loss interferes with a lot of pleasurable activities.
The other thing I've noticed with my wife is that as her dementia has deepened it has become difficult for her to process speech. Even a few minutes on the telephone leaves her completely worn out. It is hard for her to find the correct words to respond to a question and it's difficult for her to understand what's being said to her. That's true even in a quiet environment here at home.
Sometimes it's almost impossible to understand what a person with dementia really wants. If you give them options, they have to make a choice and that's a challenge. My wife needs contact and attention. However, if there are more than two or three people here, she pretty soon begins to feel left out because she is unable to keep up with the conversation and also because pretty soon those two or three people are talking to each other and not to her. This leaves her feeling abandoned and frustrated.
Your mom might well find more connection and enjoyment in a few minutes with her daughter combing her hair or simply sitting and talking to her.
One of the challenges I've experienced with my wife is that even though we spend a fair amount of the day in the same room she feels left out and alone. Her memory has reached the point where if I leave the room for more than a few minutes I have been gone for a long time. So when I come back it's like I was not here in the first place. I can tell her I'm going to be out in the kitchen for a few minutes and when I come back she'll ask where I've been and why I was gone so long. Dementia is a really nasty disease.

Twyla

With my husband I don’t include him with outings like restaurants. He doesn’t do well with a lot of people and a lot of noise. Sometimes my two daughters will order take out and have lunch or dinner at home he seems to enjoy family time. When we have conversation he will join in and try to engage in the conversation but forget what he was about to say. So we just agree with him and that makes him feel happy. I miss going out to restaurants and other places we used to go.

Bob

My general situation is VERY similar to 'devellio's'. My wife is in mid-stage Alzheimer's, has aphasia, and extreme anxiety, especially separation anxiety from me. I believe some level of socialization and change of scenery is good if at all possible. We (myself and ONE other friend) have had success taking my wife to local NON-SPORTS restaurants by going at 2pm on Sundays, and summer holidays (Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day), when most people are grilling out or watching football at home. The crowds are typically low at that time on those days in our experience, and we also always ask for a quiet section of the restaurant. And we don't extend the stay beyond her comfort level. She has done quite well. And, this is a great break for me in two ways - it gets me out of the house too, and it is typically two less meals that I have to prepare (since we usually have a 'doggy bag' to take home) and I don't have to clean-up or do the dishes. WooHoo!!!

Kari

I like the idea of picking up take out food. We actually did that this weekend. First we planned to eat at Applebees. But the wait was so long and my mom was noticing empty tables and said we could just sit down. It was all too much did her and we weren’t even seated. We picked up Taco Bell and ate at home. My mom seemed much more comfortable.